STARDUSTING
Editor’s Note: Nobody else would write the horoscope and Miss Biola wanted to do it. Madame Biola Fisbecs is 72 and a little hard of hearing. I’m not sure if she really understands all that much about astrology but she loves to give advice and she did it for free. Whaddaya expect...Jean Dixon? It’s not like you paid big bucks for this paper. Why do you read this guff anyway? Get a life!
Madamn Biola's Sensible Household Horoscope
Aries (The Ram) - March 21-April 19:
If you were born on the first, don’t believe what people tell you on your birthday.
Stay dry or you will catch your death of cold. Call your mother more often.
Taurus (The Bull) - April 20-May 20:
If you haven’t paid your taxes you will soon hear from a stranger. It’s too late to plant
potatoes. Keep out of cold drafts. Try ice for chewing gum in carpet.
Gemini (The Twins) - May 21-June 21:
Don’t go to Houston ever again. Those people are crazy. Mow your yard this
week It looks like the dickens. Eat your vegetables. Don’t belch in public.
Cancer (The Crab) - June 22-July 22:
Don’t walk behind the horses in the Fourth of July parade. Stay out of the sun or
you’ll die of a heat stroke. Don’t talk to strange men or with your mouth full.
Leo (The Lion) - July 23-Aug. 22:
Wear a bonnet. Step on a crack and you’ll break your mother’s back. Don’t drink
coffee late or you’ll be up all night. Keep your powder dry. Drink lots of milk for
strong bones.
Virgo (The Virgin) - Aug. 23- Sept. 22:
Don’t believe anything men tell you. They only want one thing. Always wear clean
underwear in case you get in a car wreck. Don’t pop your pimples.
Libra (The Scales) - Sept 23 - Oct. 23:
Watch where the butcher puts his finger. Don’t buy dented chicken soup cans. Always stand with one foot off the scales when weighing...you’ll feel much better.
Scorpio (The Scorpion) - Oct. 24 - Nov.21:
Check you houseshoes before you put your feet in them in the morning. Don’t squish lady bugs. Watch those nasty little brats closely on Halloween night.
Sagittarius (The Archer) - Nov. 22 - Dec. 21:
Don’t wait until the last minute to do your Christmas shopping. Don’t let the
Thanksgiving turkey dry out. It'll make good sandwiches for a week.
Capricorn (The Goat) - Dec. 22 - Jan. 19:
Goats are filthy animals. Cook pork thoroughly. Keep your ears covered in the wind.
Blue looks very nice on you. Drink beer close to a bathroom.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer)- Jan. 20 - Feb. 18:
Dig a well...that city water is brown. Hold it until the next town. Young ladies don’t use the restroom beside the road. Bathe and floss regularly.
Pisces (The Fishes) - Feb. 19 - March 20:
Almost any kind of fish will bite a worm. Don’t try to stop a man from going hunting.
It gets him out of the house. Don’t eat beets...they dye your liver.
You think you can do any better? Okay, then prove it.
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