LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
About the creation of the Register...
What is this garbage about a newspaper that talks? Who are you people trying to fool. Like we don’t have enough trouble with the media as it is and you want to throw blabbermouthed tabloids into the mix. Next thing you know they’ll be wanting the vote!
That’s all this country needs, another special interest group. What if all sorts of other inanimate objects begin to claim sentience and start asking for their rights. What then? Integrated salt and pepper shakers? Affirmative Aspirin? Just give those envirocrazies a chance and we’ll be facing Steak’s rights, Pro-Oysters and Rights to Lice!
Enough’s enough!
Biola Fisbecs
Klute, Texas
Bravo! And again I say Bravo! I have just reread your incredible publication for the fourth time and must say this is a great moment for journalism.
After reading it the first time, I canceled my subscription to the New York Times because I felt the Times had nothing to add.
I plan to become a newspaper man after I finish my schooling and I will model my entire career after your brilliant work.
Thanks again. I am inspired.
William R. Hearst
San Francisco
About Shakespeare at Winedale...
I was shocked to read about the disgusting antics of that donkey-headed man in your last issue. I don’t think that sort of story is fit for a small community like this.
If a person has a donkey head, the least he should do is try to set a high moral standard for other people with the same disability and not go around galavanting with any of those godless, high-living royalty!
I would think this Mr. Bard would have more taste than to write that kind of trash no matter what kind of dreams he had the night before.
Perhaps an antacid?
J. Milton
Cambridge, England
Okay, maybe I got a little intense. I guess I shouldn’t have tried to carve up that little merchant but he kept on putting me down. I’m just trying to make a living here and he comes along and disrespects me and disrespects my people. I just couldn’t stand it!
Okay, maybe I went a little over the line but that doesn’t excuse the blatant anti-semetism. Doesn’t a Jew have feelings like any other man?
The least you could do is give me back the jewels. That ingrate of my loins ran off with them, Now after all this broohaha, she keeps them and the rest of the Machiavellian power structure gets to put their foot on my neck.
Moses is going to hear about this! I’m moving out of this one galleon town to the islands to the south. Kiss my pound of flesh!
Shylock
Venice
About Festival Hill...
I did not whine while addressing the city council! I will not suffer any further attacks upon my deportment.
J. S. Bach
Leipzig, Germany
What is this garbage I hear about "Herbs" in Round Top? What were you thinking printing a story like that? People shouldn’t be classified just because they have a certain name! Every one of us is unique and should be taken on our own merits and not pidgeonholed just because our mother had a favorite uncle named Herbert.
And what about the Bobs and the Franks and the Sams. What’s the dill? What does it take to get them a little attention in your newspaper. I can see what’s cumin. It doesn’t take a sage to figure it out and I’m not one to mints words. Perhaps a little green stuff needs to change hands, a little "Herb" graft, a little "Herbola." It’s thyme you started earning your celery even if you are at least parsley crazy.
Enough is enough!
Biola Fisbecs
Klute, Texas
I don’t think I can stand it. The incandescence of the experience is too great! Mary, mother of God! This overwhelms me!
Oh! Oh my God! The Berlioz! ...and did you hear the Symphonie Espagnole? Oh! Oh! heavenly!..and that Tchaikovsky Symphony No. 4...Madre Dios...I thought I had gone to my final resting place...such expression ...such command...such brio ...such magnificence!
Wild horses couldn’t pull me away! All of the performances were like brown sugar. You can’t always get what you want...but if you try some time...you just might find...you get what you need.
Mick Jagger
London, England
About the Editor...
I saw the editor of this paper crossing the square last week and was amazed at what a good looking man he is!
If you have hunks like this running around loose in Round Top, I’ll be visiting more often.
Julia Roberts
Los Angeles, Ca.
I detest a critical person. If we can’t accept one other as we are, then how can we possibly get along and make the world a better place for all of us. However, I must point out a few small errors in your publication.
First, there are several occasions where "there" was used when the proper use would have been the possessive "their". Also, on at least two occasions, the proper usage would have been the contraction they’re, meaning "they are."
I don’t mean to be negative but now that I’m on the subject, what’s with your editor and those stupid brown overalls . He looks like a chocolate bunny bigfoot...and can’t he do something about his weight ...and who wears a straw hat in the winter? I ask you!..and when’s the last time anybody saw Mr. Pearbody do any real work...that broken leg and 18 wheeler saga has become a tired excuse!
Far be it from me to complain but tell the lazy, ill-dressed tub of lard to get to work and learn how to spell. If you’re going to print this bird cage liner, the least you can do is use words a literate person can recognize.
All my love,
Rush Limbaugh
Just decided to drop you a note and say Hi!........Hi!...
I was sitting in Klumps last week sipping my iced tea and saw the editor of your newspaper. What a fine looking man! We had a short conversation but even so I could tell that he was very thoughtful and intelligent.
It’s a real shame that he’s married. I could go for a guy like that.
Cindy Crawford
New York City
About the Local Oil Business...
I just wanted to write and say what a beautiful area you have there. I was passing through and I was delighted to see so many attractive new oil wells sprouting up all over the countryside. Quite an improvement over those useless and untidy fields and woodlands, I must say.
We have a saying where I’m from, "Keep the home flares burning!" Every time I passed a new light in the sky, I must confess, it made me feel homesick.
Nasser Abn Fahd
Kuwait City, Kuwait
Will somebody please slow down these big trucks! I have lost a number of close family members on your Fayette County roads in the last year and I feel I have a right to some answers.
Rock E. Raccoon
Moosehead, Wis.
Local commentary...
If you could juss please tell me what I’m talking abowt I would really preciate it. i had no idea what I’m talking about fer a long time and I would rilly like to no.
i have had a very great amowt of BEER but i hav everythin under cuntrol...Whoa, what wuz that?...luked like a flyin...is this ma haus?... Scuze me, cud you tell me what I’m talkin bout? I would relly preciate it.
And while yur at it...do you got a botle opuner?
Josh Billings
Nechanitz, Texas
Well, nobody believes me but I saw Ol’ Joe on the square the other night, big as life, there he was. His dogs was with him and he said to me "Rufus, the houses in this town are gettin’ too much in a row. Everbody’s fussin’ about their yards too much."
I tell you I hadn’t had that much to drink, just a few, and there he was., sittin’ over by the cannon .He gets up and walks over to me... looks just like he used to and he says. "Tell ‘em Rufus, tell ‘em to remember the past like it really was...don’t try to tame it."
That was all he said. The Marshall don’t believe me but I swear it’s the truth.
Rufus Weimer
Rosnov, Texas