UNCLE SACK

That weren’t no drought. I remember droughts, all right. Droughts was when it was dry...real dry. Why the droughts we had make this little slight period we have here seem like winter in Seattle.

I remember a coupla times in the last fifty or seventy-five years people thought they had some dry weather...drought, they said...but they was exageratin’ too. None of you people have seen real dry weather. It used to get dry...real dry.

Why I remember when you had to have a permit to sweat. It was so dry the planet wrinkled up like a huge prune...cracks so deep our hogs disappeared into ‘em. I mean, it was dry.

It was so dry that people who was down on their luck was linin’ up to sell their spit. I’m tellin’ ya it was dry. A bucket of water was worth more than the horse that drunk it. Soap was illegal. Weathermen was bein’ hung. It was dry.

In those days they used to have range wars over dew. People used to walk to Havana to buy cigars. Boats had wheels. Folks was movin’ to the Sahara to make a living. Dry, dry, dry...ooooooh it was dry. Folks today take air conditionin’ for granted. Why the amount of water runnin’ out the condensate drains of most o’ these here AC units would have started up a whole town. We would have damned it up...put in a mill...it was dry.

We irrigated with eyedroppers ...used to plant our rowcrops straight up in the air like totem poles so if it ever rained, water wasted by the first plant would be caught by the next. It was dry.

Nobody cried... couldn’t afford to.

That was when it was real, real dry. Not like now. It was so dry then the cattle business was tough...real tough. Cows used to blow away in a 15 mile-per-hour wind...why? Because it was dry. Dry, dry, dry.

People didn’t have to make jerky. Beef just came that way. Powdered milk came right out of the cow. Used to sprinkle it on our cereal. Dry cereal. It’s all we had cause it was dry. Awful dry.

It was so dry the rocks was absorbent. The trees picked up their roots and left. Humps on camels went down. They had horny toads in the Everglades. People used to fish with rakes. It was dry.

You couldn’t even talk about water. The word just seemed to evaporate right out of your mouth. Rain showers was getting canonized. Holy water was all there was.

When people heard the name Noah they got wistful little smiles on their faces and sighed.

Lordy it was dry...so dry...really dry...goodness, it was dry. I mean it. Really. No kidding. Dry.

It was so dry they elected water wells to Congress. Rivers got appointed to the Supreme Court. We divvied up the Great Lakes but that didn’t help much. Only got four an a half buckets a state. They had a lot of problems with distribution.

It was so dry, most people hoarded their water in thimbles. If you had a fire you had to use sand to put it out cause your water was worth more than your house. It was dry...real dry.

We used to get so thirsty we’d try to squeeze the juice out of our furniture. Water was everthing. We didn’t have no Ozarka. We didn’t have no city water. It was tough. People was different too. Folks took it as a compliment if you sneezed on them. Drool was considered attractive. People who blew their noses were assumed to be wealthy. Fish had legs. Sounds funny I know but it was soooo dry...very dry...really especially dry... exceptionally dry... whooooeee DRY!

I remember it now. Dang it was bad! You folks think you got problems but this ain’t nothin’. In those days we had to make do cause things were hard, real hard. Times were so hard they dented steel. They used to put watches on the heads of hammers so the hammers wouldn’t chip. Hard times. People wanted to get into prison just to get some relief. My goodness but it was tough...

Yep.

Tough.

Real tough.

Course it wasn’t all bad. Some things were nice. It wasn’t all unpleasant. Some things were quite good.

With all the dust, we had real nice sunsets . Humidity was down. Weren’t that many drownin’s. Had no problems with floods or hurricanes. Things didn’t rot, they petrified. It was kind of low maintenance.

Nobody had to go on a diet cause everbody was thin. Nobody had water on the knee or area drainage problems or mildew. There was no water so there were no water bills. That was nice. People didn’t get hurt in skiing accidents. Some parts of it were pretty good.

I guess that’s the way it is with lots of things. Things we worry about all the time are nothing to somebody else. Things we get real serious about turn out to be no big deal. Still we keep worryin’ like it does some good, ...buildin’up ulcers...getting in a rush over nothin’.

. I’ve lived 191 years and the only thing I expect now is the unexpected. There ain’t no sense in worryin’ about things. Times are what they turn out to be. All you can do is do the best you can and hope it turns out. You gain things and you loose things. Your account with the Maker goes up and down. The times that seem the worst later turn out to be the best. The things we avoid turn out to be the things that mean the most to us...and still we persist with the silly idea that we are in charge of our destinys...in control of our lives.

We humans are funny like that. We live in the future and the past and forget the present...forget the things that are important. Our homes, our families, our communities and water...oh yes water.

Water is real important. Things were kind of dry this summer but I’ve seen a lot worse. Much worse. It was dry in those days, very dry, so dry they put stamps inside envelopes so they wouldn't have to lick them. Plumbers went to jail for installing drains.

Kids didn’t learn to swim, they learned to sidewind. Everything was the beach. It was dry...and it was hot too. Folks moved to Death Valley to escape the heat. Real hot...and dry. Good people was sinnin’ just so they could get into Hell. Man it was hot! Dry! Whoooeeeeee!

It was hot this summer. I’m willin’ to admit that. Sure we’ve had some hot days...but it’s nothing like the old days.

It was hot then.

...and dry.

Round Top Register - Texas Fun Travel Guide