The alleged mayor of Sandy, Texas, a man who in recent years changed his name to Sandy, Texas, in order to become a “one-man town,” is familiar to residents of the Round Top area due to the fact that he recently contested Round Top’s claim to being the “smallest incorporated town in Texas.”

Subsequent inquiries discovered that the small community of Sandy is not incorporated and that, in fact, there is some question Mr. Texas truly represents the one-store town in the hill country north of Johnson City.

Our reporters thought the matter was put to rest, but recent allegations have surfaced that Sandy, Texas has so enjoyed his experience as a civic entity, that he has now decided to declare himself an independent and sovereign country.

Investigations by an Austin television station uncovered the that the U.S. Postal Service recently closed the Sandy, Texas post office. This action has apparently created considerable enmity between the community (Mr. Texas is the only resident of the town) and the federal government, and might suggest another possible motive for the alleged secession.

On the afternoon of July 4th, Mr. Sandy, Texas was observed watching the Round Top Fourth of July parade with a friend, and was invited to the Register’s newsroom and offered the opportunity to respond to accusations that he had seceded from the United States.

Register - Professor Hubble, it’s nice to meet you. Is it true that you are responsible for the secession of Sandy, Texas?

Hubble - I am a man of science sir. I do not take sides in, nor am I interested in political affairs. I merely explained to Mr. Texas the current thought in the realm of cosmology. Decisions that he has made in light of that knowledge are not my responsibility.

Sandy, Texas - Now Doc, I ain’t tryin’ to lay it on you. But shucks, any right thinkin’ town that knows the facts about the universe would make the same decisions I did.

Register - Are you saying that there is some scientific justification for your disloyalty to the United States?

Sandy, Texas - Hey! You got me wrong. I ain’t no more disloyal to the U. S. of A. than the next guy. Sure, I got steamed about the post office deal but that ain’t why I realigned my political universe.

After I talked to the Doc here, it just made sense. Maybe I better explain how all this happened so you get a better handle on it.

You know a coupla years back I changed my name to match my town. Well, after I did that, my whole perspective began to change. I started seeing things as a civic entity instead of as an individual human being. There were zoning issues to consider, bonds to be floated, city services to provide. When you’re a town, you don’t have much time for fishing and drinkin’ beer. You have to keep your eye on the ball.

Anyway, I got to thinkin’ about the whole subject of how we humans have set up our political systems and after some pretty heavy brain burnin’, I come to the realization that most of us citizens of the USA are not very honest about our true loyalties.

I realized that I had never met a man or woman whose first loyalty was to his country. In fact, I had never even met a person whose first loyalty was to the great state of Texas. Nope, the whole thing is just a big lie we tell to keep ourselves out of trouble with the tax collectors and the FBI.

The truth is our first loyalty is to ourselves. That’s who we think of first, ourselves and our families. In that sense, each of us is his own country. We have our own borders to defend. If we own land, we keep folks off it we don’t want around. We don’t want people in our bathrooms when we don’t want them there. We even have borders in our relationships called “personal space.”

We have our own economies, our own forms of government, our own individual cultures that we call personalities. I’ve just had the opportunity to spend some time living as a political entity so it’s easier for me to see the true facts.

Register - Are you saying that we should all secede from the union?

Sandy, Texas - No way. I ain’t seceded from nothin’. I’m still loyal to America. In fact, I’m more loyal than I was before. I’m just loyal to the U.S. in a different order than I used to be. I got a few things I’m willin’ to admit I am more loyal too than the federal government.

Register - Like what?

Sandy, Texas - Well, before I met the Doc here, I had already figured out that I was more loyal to myself than I was to the United States. Me...that’s my first loyalty whether I want to admit it or not. Right after that comes my family and friends. I try to be a good Christian, so sometimes I’m even more loyal to them than to myself...but I will admit, it ain’t often.

Next I’m most loyal to my town and my part of Texas, Blanco County, the home of LBJ, one of the greatest presidents there ever was, and also home to some of the finest people in this state. Then, after that, I’m loyal to the great state of Texas. I’m a Texan through and through and proud of it. It’s the greatest state in the whole dang U.S. of A.

Not far behind that, I’m proud to be from the South...my mint julep runneth over...and from the West, the region of wide open spaces and the free and independent cowboy.

And don’t believe for one minute that I ain’t loyal to the United States of America. Why she has my heart for sure and I would die to defend her honor. Why America is the finest country in the world and I’m proud to be a part of it.

Register - I’m sorry, but I don’t see what this has to do with cosmology. What possible connection could anything you learned from the professor here have with this peculiar set of political views?

Sandy, Texas - Well, you didn’t let me finish. Before I met the Doc here, that’s about where my patriotism stopped...you know, with the U.S. Of A., but after talkin’ to him, I’ve got a whole new perspective.

Why, I realized I was lacking in partiotism. I was shirking my duty. I needed to stand up tall and take pride in the place I come from, the place where my roots are strong.

Now, I see that I’m loyal to North America. It’s one heck of a continent, got everything you could want and what about the western hemisphere? Is this a great side of the world to be on or what?

And by golly, you couldn’t ask for a better planet than this one. Why you could look the whole universe over and never find a nicer place to live. By gum, I’m proud to be an earthling and I won’t listen to nobody talkin’ her down.

Prof. Hubble - You know, most people do not realize how exceeding rare it is to have the opportunity to live on a planet. You know, the universe consists of approximately 25% helium and 75% hydrogen. All of the other elements such as carbon, nitrogen, oxygen and iron, the elements that make life possible, are mere trace elements and very rare in the cosmos. In that way our entire existence is an unlikely cosmic accident.

Our solar system, with the exception of the sun, is the rarest form of debris, most likely cast off from super nova explosions.

Sandy, Texas - Now Doc, you don’t mean to say that us folks here on this fine planet are trash...

Prof. Hubble - Not trash but minute rubble, inconsequential particles outside the mainstream of cosmological events. Infinitely tiny in the grand scheme of things.

Sandy, Texas - Yeah, so that’s why we all gotta stick together.

Prof. Hubble - This planet is a tiny pebble even in comparison to our own sun and the planets in our solar system...

Sandy Texas - And one fine solar system we have here too. I’m proud to be part of it.

Prof. Hubble - Our sun is a very minor G type star that occupies, with a small group of other such bodies, a remote section of space in a relatively minor spiral arm...

Sandy, Texas - Hey Doc! Now hold on. Stars in our part of the galaxy are just as good as those stars down in the galactic center. Sure maybe them stars are a lot closer together but who wants to live in a busy, crowded place like that...all crammed together like sardines in a can. Why, I’m proud...

Prof. Hubble - Mr. Texas! I was not slighting our star group. I was merely trying to put things in perspective. Even our galaxy, which is part of a group of related galaxies is relatively small. Why the Andromeda galaxy, which we orbit, is much larger...

Sandy, Texas - Hey, now look here! Bigger don’t make better and I don’t like your tone. Don’t you come around here lookin’ down your nose at us like some kind of big city hotshot. Maybe our galaxy ain’t the biggest around but by golly it’s the best. Who do you think you are talkin’ down our part of the universe!

Prof. Hubble - You provincial buffoon! I was not downgrading your position in the universe. I was merely saying that our galaxy and its lifeforms, even the group of galaxies around us, is insignificant in the big picture. The universe...

Sandy, Texas - Hey buddy, you’re startin’ to get me riled. This here galaxy is the best damn galaxy in the whole goldang universe and don’t you forget it, an any other lifeforms that live in it are my home folks and I won’t have you runnin’ your...

Prof Hubble - Rubble! Flotsam and jetsam! Trifling, niggling, beggarly...you and this whole picayune galaxy and everything in it are nothing...do you hear? Nothing!”

Sandy, Texas - Don’t you be talkin’ down my homeboys. Das my ‘hood, sucka. You dis’ my ‘hood and I’m gonna come down on you like stink on manure!

Prof. Hubble - Come on you ignorant cracker. Take your best shot!

Register - Gentlemen, gentlemen. Let’s calm ourselves. There’s no need for fighting.

Sandy, Texas - You tell this smart-mouth egghead to take back what he said about our galaxy...

Prof. Hubble - Bumpkin!

Sandy, Texas - I’m gonna whup you ‘til the cows come ho...

Prof. Hubble - Bite me Bozo!

Sandy, Texas - AAAAAaaaarrggh!



At this point in the interview, we at the Register were forced to call Town Marshall Zapp Luger to invite the two gentlemen to continue their discussion in another town.

Subsequent reports state that Mr. Texas and Professor Hubble have resolved their differences and that the Professor has been offered the position of Director of Mission Control for the Sandy, Texas space program. We will report further developments when they occur.