P. Cottontail, CEO of E. Bunny Enterprises, an egg and basket conglomerate with interests in the sugar and dye industries, commented immediately following the meeting that NPE was "on the move...those guys are so big..." he stated "they can’t stay in touch anymore. They’re looking to downsize their core group of companies and relocate to create lower costs on the distribution end." Mr. Cottontail added "Where NPE goes, so goes the whole holiday business. They’re the top dogs. The rest of us will have to go along or we won’t be able to compete."
In light of the radical impact any such move would have on the economy of the Round Top area, we dispatched our business and finance reporter to the scene to interview the elusive Mr. Claus. After two days in a rundown and poorly heated motel in the area, called the Well Digger’s End, our reporter was finally admitted to see Mr. Claus in his executive suite. Our reporter described the scene as follows:
His office wasn’t what I expected, no high dollar liquor cabinet, no sculpture, no exercise equipment
or putting green, no high tech monitors in the walls. It didn’t look like any chief exec’s office I had ever
been in. Broken or half assembled toys lay everywhere. He did have a PC but it was buried in a mound
of wrapping paper. The place was a mess.
He didn’t dress like a proper power broker either. No silk suit or power tie. He wore a rumpled red and
white suit just like in their promotional advertising. Suspenders, black boots, the whole bit. I just figured
it was a show for the press. You know, Colonel Sanders used to always dress up in that white suite with the
string tie.... like we really believed that’s what he wore around the house.
I knew as soon as I left, he’d dump the costume, climb back into his designer clothes and pull out the
expensive brandy.
The only picture in the office was of some overweight older woman in a similar getup. Must have been
his mother.
I will admit though, after visiting with him a while, I took a liking to him. He had a twinkle in his eye
and a massive belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly. He’s a right jolly old elf even if
he does have an eating disorder.
Register - Mr. Claus...
SC- Just call me Santa.
Register - ...okay...Santa...uh there have been persistent rumors in the major financial markets about North Pole Enterprises going on a decentralization binge. Any truth to the buzz?
SC - Well, the truth is young man that we have been looking at some cost cutting and streamlining measures. I can’t really be too specific.
Register - The name Round Top is being bandied about as a potential new site for NPE. Any truth to that?
SC - I can’t comment on that.
Register - Then perhaps you could comment on what has caused this revolutionary new direction for North Pole Inc. As long as you guys have been at the Pole, why even consider a move?
SC - Now don’t get us wrong. We’ve been happy up here at the North Pole for a long time, but frankly, the working environment isn’t the best,...subzero temperatures...long winters...and the local polar bears are not above mistaking an elf for a seal. Our workers have been petitioning for a change. Also, with all the new satellites, its not like we have any privacy up here...and there are concerns about the greenhouse effect and the melting of the polar ice cap. Come on...how long can we tread water?
The main reason however, is that with the growing global population, our distribution is becoming a sticky problem. It takes Rudolph and the boys well into March just to recover from Christmas night ...physical therapy, cortisone...the whole deal. They’re not as young as they used to be. I’m just trying to head off potential labor disputes.
Register - What areas are you considering as potential sites for NPE plants?
SC - Well, I can;t be specific but I will describe the type of place we are interested in...First, it must have a magical element...I guess everyone knows we’ve looked at Never Never Land and the forest of Ardun. We’ve considered Narnia and Wonderland and a number of other sites of that sort.
Second: We need a low population density. We don’t do well in urban areas.
Third: We need to feel like our workers will be accepted. It’s hard to believe in this day and age, but there are still a lot of people out there with a bias against magical beings...and the elves are particularly sensitive about that.
Register - That all makes Round Top sound eminently qualified.
SC - Well I will admit to a weakness for classical music and Shakespeare...and uh...I have been known to down a few Shiners...after hours of course.
Register - Well, I guess that explains your profile.
SC - Ho! Ho! Ho!
Register - But what about the local people? How do you think they’ll react. I mean, a big multinational moving into such a small town. It could change things.
SC - Of course that’s true anywhere. That’s why we must be discreet. We try to respect the cultural and historical integrity of any area we enter.
Register - How do you find out what the people in an area feel about something like this?
SC - Well, we have our methods. You remember that time you got mad and pulled the pigtails off your sister’s cabbage patch doll...
Register - Ulp!
SC - ...need I say more?
Register - ...but uh...how do you scout out an area without being recognized. Your face is pretty well known?
SC - I can’t reveal any trade secrets, but suffice it to say that a person who can make it down several million chimneys in a single night probably wouldn’t have trouble assuming a false identity.
Register - But what about a person’s right to privacy? I mean, that kind of surveillance brings up some sticky constitutional issues. I mean, what right have you got to go snooping around in people’s private affairs?
SC - Don’t try that namby pamby ACLU guff on me. How are we supposed to tell the good little girls and boys from the bad little girls and boys? You’d sing a different tune if some juvenile delinquent was running off with your sweet little daughter’s Nintendo. And another thing...you wanna go down a chimney without knowing if Brutus the rabid Doberman is tied up under the tree? I don’t think so. There are some real sickos out there. Look, we’re trying to do a job here.
Register - I didn’t mean to offend.
SC - Oh, it’s okay...I didn’t mean to lose my temper. I probably shouldn’t have brought up the thing about the cabbage patch doll...
Register -...well, that was kind of personal...
SC - Sure, I understand. Here, have a candy cane.
Register - Gee, thanks!
SC - You see son, this job isn’t all cookies and milk. I mean the pressure is enormous. Kids have changed a lot. Why a hundred years ago, a Christmas list from a child would have just a few items on it...you know, a whistle, some candy, a nutcracker, maybe a doll...last week some kid hacked into the Toys R Us mainframe, downloaded their entire current inventory file and E-mailed the whole thing to me as his Christmas list. I mean come on! What ever happened to it’s the thought that counts?
Kids expect a lot more these days and the technical requirements are enormous. I mean elves are clever but so are the guys at Microsoft and look at Windows 95.
The political climate is difficult too. The FAA is on our case about flight clearances on Christmas night. The other holidays are threatening anti-trust suits, saying we have a monopoly on the Christmas trade. I mean that’s ridiculous. Who wants colored eggs or a jack-o-lantern in their Christmas stocking?
Register - I can see how that might be difficult.
SC - Yeah, there are times when I ‘m ready to get out of this racket but then I think "who else will do it?"
Like the elves would work for that idiotic Easter Bunny!
Register - There must be compensations.
SC - Oh sure...Christmas morning. I live off the looks on those kids faces for the rest of the year. It makes it all worthwhile.
Its a high impact product, Christmas. We’re proud to produce it. (sigh) It’s just the time of year. We’re really in a crunch right now and I guess sometimes I get out of sorts from all the stress. Come back in January and you’ll see one laid back Santa.
Register - Now about Round Top...are you moving there?
SC - As I said before, I can’t really comment on that right now. I will sa
y this however...Round Top is a very special place. It certainly has all the magic any quality holiday could ask for...I mean, look what they’ve done for the Fourth of July. If I was looking to relocate in Texas, and I’m not saying I am, then Round Top would be at the top of my Christmas list.
Register- One last thing, on my ninth birthday, I ask for a black racing bike and I never got it...
SC - It seems you have conveniently forgotten the little incident with the Johnson girl and the ink well.
Register - Ah, that was just a joke!
SC- You better watch out...you better not pout!
The tabloids made much of Blitzen’s stay at the Betty Ford Clinic in March, but NPE sources claim the reindeer has no substance-abuse problems and was at the clinic merely for "restorative" purposes.
The International Association of Elven Toy Makers (IAETM) continues to toe the NPE company line despite accusations by the AFL-CIO that they are "setting back the organized labor movement 500 years."
Compensation issues are at the heart of this battle between labor unions. IAETM rank and file continue to work without financial compensation, saying that "the happiness of all the little boys and girls around the world is good enough for us." This stand by the myriads of miniscule manufacturers has the rest of organized labor in an uproar. Such brouhaha has many observers suggesting that NPE may be coming apart at the seams, but despite the uneasiness in the major financial markets, mum remains the word. The only official statement released by the company in this fiscal year was:
"Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night!"
