TINY TOWN SAYS ROUND TOP
NOT 'SMALLEST IN TEXAS'

LETTER EMBROILS TOWN IN SIZE FLAP


MAYOR REVIEWS CONTINGENCY PLAN

Round Top - A matter of grave concern has come before the citizens of Round Top, the "smallest incorporated town in Texas." A letter, from the Chamber of Commerce of another Texas community allegedly called "Impact, Texas" has been sent to the Register, claiming that their town is the smallest in the Lone Star state...not our own. The editor of the Round Top Register, Mr. Chris Travis, was the first to see the claim. "Well, I tell you. I was shocked. The audacity of this other ‘town,’ claiming they were the smallest in the state. Let me tell you, I am dubious and I’m going to get something done about this." After consulting with city fathers, the editor agreed to publish the letter. "Well, they felt like our town had so much going for it that it really didn’t make any difference whether we were the smallest or not and that I should put the claim before the public." Therefore, we have decided to publish the letter in its entirety for our readers to peruse. DEAR SIRS AND SIRETTES-AND WHATEVER MANIFESTATIONS OF HUMAN INCUMBENCY YOUR USURPING COMMUNITY CAN MOBILIZE AND DEMONSTRATE: IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT BEFORE US THAT THE CITY OF ROUND TOP (PERHAPS FOR A LONG TIME) HAS BEEN EMBELLISHING AND DECORATING ITSELF WITH BORROWED OR PURLOINED FEATHERS, FROM NESTS OF UNCERTAIN PROVENIENCE, AND STYLES ITSELF "THE SMALLEST INCORPORATED CITY IN TEXAS." MY FOOT! LIKE MERCURY IS THE LARGEST PLANET IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM AND JUPITER THE SMALLEST. YOU PEOPLE APPEAR NOT TO KNOW HOW SMALL...SMALL REALLY IS. SO MAY WE PLEASE SUGGEST YOU GET OUT YOUR TEXAS ALMANAC (ASSUMING THAT SOME ROUNDTOPIANS ARE GRACED BY LITERACY) AND FIND YOUR PROPER PLACE AND ALIGNMENT AMONG THE TWO-DIGIT INCORPORATED CITIES IN THIS STATE. WE HERE IN IMPACT IN TAYLOR COUNTY, ON 47 ACRES OF LAND AND WITH A POPULATION OF 25, CONSTITUTE THE SMALLEST INCORPORATED CITY IN TEXAS AND ARE MIGHTY PROUD OF OUR STATUS, SO MUCH SO THAT SOME OF US EVEN HAVE CHANGED OUR NAMES IN SUPPORT. I USED TO BE A FULLER MYSELF. NOR SHOULD YOU ROUNDTOPIANS FANCY THAT YOU ARE A CLOSE SECOND. AFTER IMPACT THERE IS QUINTANA IN BRAZORIA COUNTY (POP. 51), TODD MISSION IN GRIMES (POP. 54), ROUND MOUNTAIN IN BLANCO (POP. 59), SUN VALLEY IN LAMAR (POP. 60), SPOFFORD IN KINNEY (POP. 68) AND MILLER’S GROVE IN TITUS (POP. 75). ONLY AT THIS POINT DOES ROUND TOP ENTER THE CHARTS AS THE 8TH SMALLEST INCORPORATED CITY (POP. 81) FOLLOWED BY NEYLANDVILLE IN HUNT CO. (POP. 94). BEYOND THIS LIST, SORRY TO REPORT, ALL INCORPORATED TEXAS CITIES HAVE PASSED THE THREE-DIGIT POINT OF UNLIKELY RETURN AND ARE INVARIABLY ON THE SLIPPERY SLOPE TO INIQUITY AND RUINATION, AGAINST WHICH THERE IS NO PROTECTION OF DEFENSE. THE CURRENT FIGURES DO REFLECT A CHANGE IN ROUND TOP’S STATUS, INASMUCH AS AFTER THE PREVIOUS CENSUS (1980) IT WAS THE 11TH SMALLEST, SO IF IT IS YOUR AMBITION TO BE AS SMALL AS POSSIBLE, YOU HAVE IMPROVED BY THREE PLACES. IF, ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU WANT TO BE BIG FOR A CHANGE, THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION, COME TO THINK OF IT, THAT WOULD LOOK GOOD ON YOUR CITY STATIONARY AND BE TRUTHFUL TO BOOT: "ROUND TOP, THE SECOND LARGEST TWO-DIGIT INCORPORATED CITY IN TEXAS." NO DOUBT SUCH A TITLE WOULD BE GOOD FOR TRADE, IF ROUNDTOPIANS, AS EVERYBODY ELSE, ARE OUT FOR THE TOURIST DOLLAR. HERE IN IMPACT WE EVEN ACCEPT YANKEE DOLLARS...HAVE Y’ALL GONE THAT FAR YET? IT SEEMS TO US HERE IN IMPACT THAT INSTEAD OF DISSEMINATING FALSE INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR CIVIC STATUS, SUCH GOOD ROUNDTOPIANS AS MAY BE FOUND IN YOUR (INFLATED) MIDST SHOULD RATHER GIVE ATTENTION TO THE PRESERVATION AND MAINTENANCE OF THE BRAVE BAND OF REMAINING TWO-DIGIT INCORPORATED CITIES IN OUR STATE. WITH EVERY CENSUS WE SEE MORE CITIES CRAWLING OR EVEN JUMPING ACROSS THAT FATAL THREE DIGIT BOUNDARY INTO URBAN DEGRADATION, DECAY, CRIME AND VIOLENCE. JUST TURN ON YOUR TV IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE US. WE ALREADY REGISTERED ALARMING FIGURES IN THE MOST RECENT CENSUS (1990), SUCH AS OPDYKE WEST IN HOCKLEY CO., NOW AT 100, POWELL IN NAVARRO AND DOMINO IN CASS BOTH 101, AND KIRVIN (FREESTONE CO.) AND EDMONSON (HALE CO.) BOTH AT A STAGGERING 107. MAY GREAT PITY BE SHOWERED UPON THEM ALL. WE PRIVILEGED REMAINING FEW SHOULD OPEN OUR HEARTS TO THEM IN SINCERE COMPASSION. ON BEHALF OF THE GREATER IMPACT METROPOLITAN AREA CHAMBER OF COMMERCE, TOURISM OFFICE, VISITOR’S CENTER, CONSTABULARY, GRAND OPERA, PUBLIC LIBRARY (ALL BRANCHES), CIVIC BALLET, INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT (BOTH LOCATIONS), AND EVERYTHING ELSE, SINCERELY YOURS IN THE NAME OF CIVIC TRUTHFULNESS, IMOGENE FULLER IMPACT, SEC. OF ALL ABOVE Needless to say, this correspondence is troubling to any true son or daughter of Round Top. As the official newspaper of Round Top, we decided that we could do no less than to thoroughly investigate this inflammatory attack on our civic smallness. From the very beginning, irregularities began to surface. When we checked the Roads of Texas atlas, we were dismayed to find that Impact did indeed exist. However, it appeared to be resting smack dab in the middle of the metropolitan footprint of Abilene. How could the state’s smallest town be inside one of the biggest cities in West Texas? When we called directory assistance, Impact was indeed listed on those arcane computers used by the faceless operators. This was disheartening as anyone who lives here knows that Round Top itself only intermittently shows up on these devices. It often seems to us here that General Telephone thinks we exist only on their good days. Our suspicions mounted when the operator told us that, although the town was listed, there were no phone numbers listed....25 people and no telephones? Something began to smell rotten in the smallest town in Denmark. We decided to try the Abilene Chamber of Commerce but no one there had ever heard of Impact. Texas. They suggested we talk to the Convention Bureau. After some confusion, a senior member of that organization said yes, she was familiar with Impact. She claimed it had been incorporated to provide a haven for liquor stores during a period in Abilene’s history when the Godfearing residents of that city had voted to make their county dry. We pondered over why an official of the convention bureau would be so familiar with such information. She suggested we call the organization that would know the most about the history of Impact, Texas. "Pinkie's Liquor Store..." she said "They’d know all about it." Sure enough the man that answered the phone at Pinkie's was very helpful. He knew all about Impact. Why the mayor of Impact came in all the time. He was a very good customer. However, after I began to ask probing questions, the Pinkie's manager suggested that I call the corporate headquarters in Odessa, saying that perhaps he shouldn’t say any more. After a intense grilling, he gave me the name of a man named Dallas Perkins, the alleged 'Mayor' of Impact. Mr. Perkins flatly denied that Impact was the smallest town in Texas. He said they were inside the city limits of Abilene and that he didn’t know how many people lived in Impact. We found it peculiar that the Mayor would not know the population of his town and asked him again if he was the mayor. He said he was. We asked if the town had a city government. He said "very little." We pointed out that the 1990 census showed Impact as the smallest town in Texas and he said "Those people can’t count. They got the population of Texas wrong by 500,000 people!" The plot thickened. Finally, we asked the "honorable" Mayor Perkins if he knew Ms. Imogene Fuller Impact, the author of the letter received by the Register. He denied ever having heard her name and stated categorically that she was not a member of his "city" government. Clearly, some sort of vile fraud was being perpetrated by parties unknown...a fraud aimed at undermining the tradition-steeped public relations efforts of our beloved community. Having successfully debunked the claims of the fictitious Ms. Impact, the editorial staff of the Register went after the next smallest town shown on the 1990 census, Quintana (pop. 51) in Brazoria county. Intent on recovering our glorious claim to smallness, we investigated the tiny community near Freeport. Sadly, we met substantial obstacles in our quest. Quintana has a real city government, was incorporated in 1891 and according to historical markers in the area has been a village since 1532 when it was settled by a Spanish general. Even worse, it sits at the mouth of the Brazos River and Stephen F. Austin landed there in the Lively and helped lay out the town. Our hopes were dashed. As the newspaper staff returned to the newsroom after our exhaustive investigation, we felt lost and downcast. We discussed a plan put forward by a young cub reporter to talk to the mayor into moving everyone out of town during the next census...perhaps putting up a tent city on the other side of Cummins Creek and leaving only one person in town...but the plan was dismissed as impractical. Finally, as the staff sat disconsolately around the newsroom, feeling like they had lost a small part of what made their town special, the editor stood up and addressed the group. "Perhaps it is true that our beloved home is not the ‘smallest incorporated town in Texas.’ Perhaps, even though we are one of the smallest, we cannot claim to be on top of the bottom. We are not the littlest of the little, only one of the littlest...in fact I guess we are one of the biggest of the littlest...but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that being small isn’t the only thing that makes us special." For a few moments no one spoke, then a timid voice piped from the back of the newsroom. "...yeah, what about Festival Hill, that makes us special." Another chimed in "what about Winedale and Henkel Square?" "What about Shakespeare and the Fourth of July parade and the antique fair?" shouted someone else. "...What about our natural beauty, our B & B’s and restaurants...all the cute shops?" Cries of agreement filled the newsroom. "What about the people...the German people and their history and culture?" crowed the editor "What about the people who have moved here and enriched the community? The people are what make us special!" Handshakes and high five's sprung up like rain lilies after a spring shower for we saw that our town did not need any artificial labels or other false distinctions to be special. We understood that it wasn’t a unique place to live because it was the "smallest incorporated town in Texas"...or because it’s one of the "Top 100 Small Art Towns in America." or because our Fourth of July parade is the "oldest west of the Mississippi." We saw that Round Top is special because of the beauty of the land, because of its unique cultural heritage and history. Round Top, Texas is a one-of-a-kind town because of the special people who spent their lives forging it into a secure home for their children. It is special, like many small towns are, because the city streets are paved with the sweat and blood, the tears and the laughter of long and fruitful lives. It is special, because for the entire span of its colorful history, the town of Round Top has been loved by the people who call it home.

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